tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post1337411890475795171..comments2023-09-25T02:24:22.087-07:00Comments on Anne R. Allen's Blog: Are Your Family and Friends Sabotaging your Writing Dreams?Anne R. Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02420000168356370825noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-29806338232627651932013-11-25T15:03:52.482-08:002013-11-25T15:03:52.482-08:00I SO needed this four years ago. Sigh.I SO needed this four years ago. Sigh.Nina Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05498476430955493398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-41573761857503580882013-11-20T09:41:25.017-08:002013-11-20T09:41:25.017-08:00Shah--Unfortunately, a lot of people do live in &q...Shah--Unfortunately, a lot of people do live in "time warps". I know people who are so stuck in the 1980s, they still wear the big hair and the shoulder pads. You're wise to see there's no way to communicate with these people. It's as if they really are separated from us by 30 years of time. And if you try to tell them people don't wear shoulder pads any more, they will be hugely offended. Their entire worldview is based on the premise that time stands still. The only thing to do is keep your sense of humor. After all, they're the ones who are absurd. <br /><br />Kittie--"Negaholics"--What a great word!! I used to know more of them than I do now, but some linger. I'm fascinated by your statistic that friendships usually last 5-7 years. I'm sure that's right for me. But I always feel so guilty when I back away from a friendship. I guess I shouldn't. I've had to surgically remove some crazymakers from my life, which was painful, but I knew I could not succeed in this tough business with self-involved drama queens dominating my life. <br /><br />Anne R. Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02420000168356370825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-25014702138852390692013-11-20T04:52:20.770-08:002013-11-20T04:52:20.770-08:00I keep saying this, but it's true: Another gre...I keep saying this, but it's true: Another great post! Since I'm a bit late to the party, I read through comments that included cousins of people I know. :) Note that I used the past tense! Research indicates friendships last 5-7 years. So it wasn't just the writing thing; it was an all-around jealousy thing that Did Not Work for me. Negaholics drain one's mental energy and so on. However, my husband is amazingly supportive. My family's in Louisiana/Texas and blissfully unaware Kittie Howard exists as Howard is a pen name. Life is good!Kittie Howardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07756250649095903317noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-66978225002699115422013-11-20T01:54:52.332-08:002013-11-20T01:54:52.332-08:00I LOVE this post. It has pulled me up by my bootie...I LOVE this post. It has pulled me up by my booties. I have met all of these no-marks a some point or another. My in-laws are good people but stuck in a time-warp and think I must be a vain creature because I self-publish stories about the supernatural. No worthy writers do such things. Grr! I try to move past it. It is doable, but I do so wish I didn't have to explain myself all the time. Unlike letdown friends, I cannot walk away from or even 'correct' my dear old delusional in-laws without them taking offence. Fortunate then that I don't see them too often. :) <br /><br />shahwharton.comShah Whartonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04997125261145672115noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-72045595525186910692013-11-19T10:12:18.602-08:002013-11-19T10:12:18.602-08:00Morgan--I think your instinct to make sure the boo...Morgan--I think your instinct to make sure the book is "just perfect" before showing it to your hubby is a good one. And get it "perfect" by using beta readers or a critique group. People you don't have an emotional relationship with are best. Best to separate the pain of learning from your support people. The online critique groups are great because it's easy to leave if the first one is not the group for you.<br /><br />Judith--Good to see you and thanks for the heads-up! I've fixed those links now. Blogger was being squirrely the day I put in the links and even though I tested them, Blogger elves seem to have had other plans. <br /><br />When you need to take time off from blogging, I realize it's hard to keep your audience. But now that you're back, maybe the best thing is to visit the blogs of some of your former blogpeeps and start commenting, as you've done here. You can even mention a subject you've recently blogged about-if it's in some way relevant--and invite people to stop by and get re-acquainted. <br /><br />Generally, if you're going through a stressful period, it's best to post a hiatus with a beginning and and end. (I do know that's hard to predict) but if you can just post at least once a month after that to let people know you're there, that will keep people from losing track of you entirely. Anne R. Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02420000168356370825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-57871422817999096952013-11-19T06:14:35.491-08:002013-11-19T06:14:35.491-08:00Anne, as always, your posts are insightful. And, y...Anne, as always, your posts are insightful. And, yes, I've made the mistake of asking non-writer friends and family. I received input similar to what you describe. Live and learn. <br /><br />Different subject: I don't know whether it is my computer, but every time I click on the WANA and ALEX links in the paragraph starting with "One thing that can help a lot ...," I get sent to a blogger setup page.<br /><br />Different subject again: after a long hiatus during which I was dealing with serious health and family issues, I've come back to my blog to announce the coming publication of a poetry book. Yes, I've lost most of my readership in the interim. Perhaps you can devote a post at some point to discussing how to sustain those reader connections through "thick and thin."<br /><br />Thanks again.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04561858101440185940noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-24087533978308676202013-11-19T03:56:39.216-08:002013-11-19T03:56:39.216-08:00This is fantastic advice Anne!
I have to admit th...This is fantastic advice Anne!<br /><br />I have to admit that my plan was to let the hubby be the first to read my WIP but I want it to be 'just right' before he does. I know...<br /><br />Anyway, I think I'm going to check out those websites you mentioned and see how I get on. Thanks.<br /><br />Morgan xMorgan Princehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11929878897599036944noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-91168525985815443832013-11-18T16:34:19.709-08:002013-11-18T16:34:19.709-08:00Christine--We are indeed lucky in our critique gro...Christine--We are indeed lucky in our critique group. They're sometimes off in their suggestions, but they can pinpoint where there's a problem. Yeah, three books coming out before Christmas. The two-fer is already up on Amazon and Nook and we've made a few sales!<br /><br />Kate--Yikes. I wouldn't start with Craigslist. Could be creepy. If you want an in-person group, check your local libraries and bookstores and maybe alternative newspapers for notices of meetings. See if a national organization in your genre has a local chapter, like RWA or Sisters in Crime. <br /><br />Online, you have your pick. I recommend CritiqueCircle.com and SheWrites and that GalleyCat service I mention is a link to their sign-up form. They match you with just the right people. Anne R. Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02420000168356370825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-64897361902858842812013-11-18T16:21:09.868-08:002013-11-18T16:21:09.868-08:00How do you find a writing group???? Post an ad on ...How do you find a writing group???? Post an ad on craigslist? Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01698395484114750946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-50311524373029782232013-11-18T15:55:32.693-08:002013-11-18T15:55:32.693-08:00I don't know what I would do without my truth ...I don't know what I would do without my truth telling, helpful, supportive critique groups. I fell very lucky. <br /><br />And, congratulations on your collaboration with Ruth, soon to be released new novel (fab cover by the way!) and on the re-release of your how to survive book. All wonderful news and well deserved! Christine Ahernhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18332152375980196208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-79280037343766769342013-11-18T15:55:08.602-08:002013-11-18T15:55:08.602-08:00Meghan Ward--I missed you up there! Your comment m...Meghan Ward--I missed you up there! Your comment must have come in when I was answering the ones above. Your brother may have thought he was "helping" by discouraging you from trying something he was scared to do. But it sure doesn't come across as helpful, does it? Wannabes are definitely the worst. When I was in the theater, the nastiest remarks about a show always came from the people who wanted to try out but were too chicken. They they'd say "I could have done that so much better!" <br /><br />Marilyn--Good for your sister. My mom gave my books to all my cousins one year. I don't think any of them read a word. That makes it such a joy when you meet someone who is a real fan, like your doctor friend! 35 books and still keeping them coming is something to be awfully proud of.<br /><br />Marie--Welcome. Do stop by again!Anne R. Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02420000168356370825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-82737175407317141032013-11-18T14:45:55.461-08:002013-11-18T14:45:55.461-08:00Nice to meet you, Anne. Thanks for the kind words!...Nice to meet you, Anne. Thanks for the kind words!Marie Forcehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00550719567520289405noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-56865829188392692862013-11-18T14:15:44.268-08:002013-11-18T14:15:44.268-08:00I have a huge family, but only my sister, eldest d...I have a huge family, but only my sister, eldest daughter, and a couple of granddaughters have actually read any of my books. My sister, sweetie that she is, give a copy of my latest books to each of her kids. I've had more acclaim from an Indian doctor in my writers group who had introduced me to people like I'm a celebrity, "And she's had over 35 books published!" In reality, I think he's amazed I'm so old and still writing.Marilyn Meredith a.k.a. F. M. Meredithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04179984154939161530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-74661024913682999352013-11-18T13:42:53.991-08:002013-11-18T13:42:53.991-08:00Debbie--I'm so glad to hear you're enjoyin...Debbie--I'm so glad to hear you're enjoying Sherwood!Anne R. Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02420000168356370825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-4386530988936519212013-11-18T13:39:52.794-08:002013-11-18T13:39:52.794-08:00Nancy--That adds to the isolation of being a write...Nancy--That adds to the isolation of being a writer, doesn't it? I don't know where I'd be without my wonderful critique group and other supportive writers I've met since I started my writing journey. I'm lucky to have a mom who's a writer too, so she's always been supportive, and I had a couple of encouraging friends early on. But that's not the case for everybody. And most people have the reaction you're talking about. Basically "meh."<br /><br />Marie--I'm honored to see you here! It sounds as if you're as good at choosing the right friends as you are at making good career choices. Congrats on going from all that rejection to becoming one of the top Romance writers around!<br /><br />Jennifer--As you say, "sometimes those closest to us don't want us to succeed". It's true for a number of reasons. They may be competitive, like your "friend" or they may be fearful and genuinely afraid for you. Either way, you need to learn to tune out their noise or you'll get derailed. Sounds as if you did. <br /><br />Sandrudm--That's an exellent point: when you aspire to something creative and "higher" than what's expected of you, you disturb the tribe. Fearful family members will feel personally threatened by your desire to upset the "natural" order of things.<br /><br />Maybe it was better in the days when writers felt they had to go to "the big city" to live their dreams. They had to break from family and form a new "tribe" of other creatives. Now we try to remake our friends and family into a literary circle and it often doesn't work. Anne R. Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02420000168356370825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-15130652350044502302013-11-18T13:31:59.492-08:002013-11-18T13:31:59.492-08:00Excellent poat. Things we think about, yet may not...Excellent poat. Things we think about, yet may not recognize. Still, I can attest to many on the list. Almost done reading Sherwood, love it! Looking forward to getting the collaboration combo with Ruth's book! :)D.G. Kayehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04292901895982357952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-86288806098883250952013-11-18T13:19:19.915-08:002013-11-18T13:19:19.915-08:00No, this couldn’t happen to other people? Relative...No, this couldn’t happen to other people? Relatives and friends not supporting you, being jealous, ignoring you, and even _____ you can fill the blanks. But that’s life, and although we can chose our friends we cannot chose our relatives. It would be nice to be born in an artsy-fartsy family, and be encouraged to create, but that’s not reality. Sure, my parents encouraged me to be creative until I became a teenager; then getting ready for “the real life” started. Practicality trumps dreams.<br />However, let’s look at this from their point of view. Sure there are famous and rich authors out there, but not You. What makes You different? What makes You special? By having such lofty ambitions you upset the order of the relatives-friends tribe. Not too mention that most may not read books at all. Some may not read any fiction. So, why bother them with your dreams, your writing, or even your books? I know you want them to be proud of you. It’s not going to happen until you make serious money and they’ll see you on TV. Then the relationships will change, and new headaches will start.<br />So what to do? Test the waters and see their reactions, if positive continue to engage them on the subject of your writing. If not, close the drapes, shut your mouth and find other people aspiring like you, either in person, or online. Like this forum.<br />One thing you should never do, don’t give up, stand tall and say to them and anyone else:<br />-I am a writer/author,<br />-My latest published book is “RIP, the Death of a Vampire” and give them your elevator spiel,<br />-I’ve published so many books as of today: five,<br />-I’m in the middle of writing a new novel, and it is great!<br />Why say all these things? The only one who needs to believe in you is You. Act and talk like a writer/author and you are one. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-80100345264385808452013-11-18T13:05:22.496-08:002013-11-18T13:05:22.496-08:00Hi Anne,
Boy, this post takes me back to a creat...Hi Anne, <br /><br />Boy, this post takes me back to a creative fiction class I took as a sophomore. I got an A and a close friend, who took the same class, different section, told me that my writing sucked and that my professor was lax about giving out grades. I learned then that sometimes those closest to us don't want us to succeed. It's a lesson I'll never forget. Thanks for another terrific post. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-74865750588144338072013-11-18T12:03:52.855-08:002013-11-18T12:03:52.855-08:00I have another perspective to add to this... Back ...I have another perspective to add to this... Back in 2003, right around the time I got serious about pursuing my longtime dream of writing books, my mother got sick with pancreatic cancer. She died in Aug. 2004. When I finished my first book(s) in 2005 and 2006, several of her friends, who knew I'd been writing and finished a couple of books, asked to read them. The stuff they said to me (such as: Your book kept me up all night OR My husband had to fend for himself for dinner because I couldn't stop reading) kept me going when I was being rejected by agent after agent, editor after editor. I figured if they who were regular women (meaning not industry people or writers) loved my books, maybe someday other regular women would too. I wrote seven books before I sold in late 2007. They made sure I didn't give up when the first six didn't sell. All of those early books are now on sale and making money every day. I've written 30 books, made the NYT list four times this year with four different books and have sold 2 million books since my 2008 debut. Every time I see that particular group of women, as well as several other friends who also encouraged me every step of the way along with my own incredibly supportive family, I thank them for not allowing me to give up. While all of your points are very well taken and very often true, sometimes friends say exactly what you need to hear right when you need to hear it. I'm grateful every day for the friends who kept me going when the industry wanted nothing to do with me. Turns out there were other regular women who loved my books. Lots of them.Marie Forcehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00550719567520289405noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-69099952651209732802013-11-18T11:51:03.126-08:002013-11-18T11:51:03.126-08:00It's not so much sabotaging my writing - frien...It's not so much sabotaging my writing - friends and family just don't care.<br /><br />Needless to say, I don't bother talking about it with anyone any more.<br /><br />Except other writers.Nancy Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06214579721075450777noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-52693164869037309592013-11-18T10:04:41.757-08:002013-11-18T10:04:41.757-08:00Trekelny—You bring up some good points here. Self-...Trekelny—You bring up some good points here. Self-publishers can be clueless amateurs who haven't put in their 10,000 Malcolm Gladwell hours. (That's why I think all writers should work on learning their craft at least three years before they publish.) <br /><br />And as you say, the best way to do that is in a critique group. A safe, well-mannered one. Our fledgling muses need a place of safety to learn our craft. Family and friends are often not safe at all. <br /><br />Churadogs—It may be that creative people are more sensitive and do need reassurance. That's no reason to deny it to them. Some puppies need to be petted more than others. Do you think those dogs should be kicked and neglected "for their own good"? People who would rather not be around sensitive people would be better off making friends at sports events or other "tough guy" venues. <br /><br />Learning to write well requires a long learning curve. We need to do that learning in a safe environment. That's where we need good teachers, not dream-smashers. <br /><br />And as far as ignorant amateurs being the ultimate judges, I don't agree. If that were true, we'd have no Picassos or Jackson Pollocks ("My two year old can paint better than that!") The art world would be nothing but Thomas Kinkade as far as the eye could see. Luckily, professionals still have some say in things. "Customer reviews" are certainly moving us to a Thomas Kinkade world, but luckily, we're not there yet.<br /><br />Creaky Door. Wow. I'd say that family "friend" had some issues of his own. And he couldn't even respond to you—he had to say it to your dad. So sorry you had to go through that. <br /><br />As Michelle D. Argyle's piece says, it's not a good idea for friends to critique friends, and it would have been so much kinder if he'd simply said he didn't read unpublished work. That's my policy. I've worked as a paid editor, so I if I read a WIP outside of my critique circle, I want to get paid. <br /><br />Sisters—I'd like to say I don't have friends and family like that, but I fear we all do.<br />Anne R. Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02420000168356370825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-24825258135618959602013-11-18T10:01:52.595-08:002013-11-18T10:01:52.595-08:00Julie—Glad to hear you've been lucky. But we h...Julie—Glad to hear you've been lucky. But we have to keep vigilant. Even a successful career doesn't make you immune to the vampires. Sometimes your success is what sets them off. Once you're "a published author" you're a public figure, so you become fair game for the nasties.<br /><br />Rosi—NaNo does put a strain on relationships. I wouldn't attempt it unless you live alone or have a very understanding family.<br /><br />Cynthia—That's the only way to deal with it. Remind yourself these people are clueless and take their remarks accordingly. Any two-year-old can say "yuck." It takes intelligence and education to understand how the publishing industry works. <br /><br />Findingtime/Unknown. I apologize for Blogger's hoop-jumping. I wish they'd make it easier to comment if you don't have a Google+ ID, but of course they're trying to force everybody to join Google+. <br /><br />These stories are kind of heartbreaking, but unfortunately, pretty universal. I think every writer has heard that "what, you haven't finished that novel yet?" line. I used to be miffed when friends wouldn't read my work, but now I'm usually relieved, because the deafening silence from ones you know HAVE read it is even more painful. <br /><br />And they all help us develop that rhino-hide we'll need when we start getting those inevitable one-star reviews.<br /><br />Pricilla—Ouch. That's a mean one. It's remarks like that that probably prompted Chris Baty to invent NaNo to avoid family Thanksgivings. Sorry you're going through that. We writers have to stick together when we get hit with that stuff. <br />Anne R. Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02420000168356370825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-79338498242085337552013-11-18T08:35:13.191-08:002013-11-18T08:35:13.191-08:00A cousin threw my second book down with the commen...A cousin threw my second book down with the comment: "I guess you've got some talent, but I don't see it."<br /><br />With cousins like this, who needs enemies? (Sometimes only a cliche will do.) Sisters in Crime Central Coast Chapterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15723793646553262015noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-19335854765386452902013-11-18T07:50:29.312-08:002013-11-18T07:50:29.312-08:00I sent an early draft of my current WIP to an old ...I sent an early draft of my current WIP to an old family friend, who I have known since I was a baby, because he is a published author. I asked him for a line or two of endorsement, if he felt he could give it, for me to put on query letters. What came back, passed by him to my Dad, could only be described as an extremely hostile review. I could not believe that a family friend could send such a thing. I sent him a note to that effect, then sent my draft to another published author, who had written the novel 'If' on which the iconic film was based. He sent a lovely endorsement. I'll never know what possessed the family friend to be so unkind, when a simple 'I don't feel I can endorse it as it needs a lot of work, but good luck etc' would have done. I have never done anything to offend him, and helped nurse his wife when she was dying. A bruising episode, but I concluded it said more about him than about my work.Creaky door writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06400268332581266488noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8385052143211121638.post-65625405557006974252013-11-18T06:41:13.572-08:002013-11-18T06:41:13.572-08:00I wonder if artists, writers, and other creative t...I wonder if artists, writers, and other creative types are particularly in need of constant approval and support or particularly vulnerable to any kind of criticism or benign neglect, or have a harder time than "normal" people in dealing with a world that is often indifferent or hostile to their efforts? I know the creative act is incredibly hard and putting yourself out there on a page, on a canvas, on a stage can be really, really hard on the psyche, especially when the world yawns and walks past, uncaring. Or laughs and points. <br /><br />And judging your own work accurately, objectively takes an extraordinarily difficult-to-achieve skill set. <br /><br />And I wonder if that (too easily wounded) "artistic temperament" presumes that the world should somehow care more about their "dreams," even though it's been my experience that the World is indifferent to everybody's dreams, be they a writer or inventor or entrepreneur or even a kid who wants to be the first in his family to get a BA. <br /><br />The "Art Biz" is particularly tough, tough, tough so, as Ruth Harris notes, you better develop a thick hide. And low expectations. That way, if something even modestly good happens to your "dream," you'll be happy. <br /><br />As for never allowing an amateur to read/critique your work-in-progress, isn't the amateur the writer's ultimate critic? They're called customers. :-) Churadogshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17701649330085709021noreply@blogger.com